Choosing a Relationship - How to Avoid Relationship Suicide
24th January 2015
By Jack Adam Weber L.Ac., Dipl. C.H.
It might seem cut and dry, unromantic, magic-dispelling, and
too methodical to interview a potential partner about who they are and the
values they hold dear. But, if you are seriously interested in someone, which
you may be later, some investigation might be in order. If someone isn’t into
having a matter-of-fact discussion about this, this might be the first sign
they aren’t the right one for you.
As for the magic and the romance-busting nature of serious
conversations early on in matters of the heart, I’ve had enough disappointments
and heartbreaks that I am ready to sacrifice a little magic for a reality-check,
because it isn’t so romantic or magical when relationships turn south due to
myriad ways we can be incompatible.
Remember, most relationships begin “casually.” Yet, being
casual without getting to know whom you are involved with can land you in a big
blind bunch of trouble quick. Pursuing a casual relationship then down the road
realizing that you are “in love” is a great way to sabotage your happiness and
health. Hopefully you have been there, done that, and are ready to safeguard
your happiness.
At the end of this writing I share with you my list of
questions to ask and discuss with a potential partner. This list is particular
to my needs, and I offer it for however it might inspire you to ask the kinds
of questions that most matter to you and meet your needs. Receiving some feedback from such questions
at least gives me preliminary answers long before discovering the ugly truth.
Even if you are not sure where the relationship will go, if you are open to the
possibility of a serious relationship it’s helpful to ask some questions of the
person you are courting.
Deal-Breakers
In order to know what to ask someone, we have to know
ourselves. We have to know what has worked for us and what hasn’t. We have to
know to what degree we can be flexible with certain qualities in another and
for which ones we cannot be flexible. We have to know what our deal-breakers
are. So, the list is also an exercise in getting to know ourselves. If my lover
doesn’t want children and I do, and this is a deal-breaker for me, why fall in
love and have to go through a gut-wrenching break-up later? If I won’t tolerate
drug use, and my potential mate wants to use, why go there? On the other hand,
if my potential partner is a vegetarian and I need to eat meat sometimes, this
can be a more workable scenario, and I identify it as such.
Discovering all this relatively early on in relationship
(before we become all too eager to sacrifice what is meaningful to us for the
sake of “love”), makes falling in love a lot more fun. And, if you make it
through some sober compatibility conversations together, chances are you are
on-board with someone who shares enough in common with you that there is enough
magic to endure being smart about love.
Deal-breakers are needs for which you will cancel the
relationship if your potential love does not meet these needs. This is not to
say that your deal-breakers can’t shift, but it’s really good to be as honest
as you can about this. We don’t want to put ourselves in the position where we
have to sacrifice our core values later on because we are just to enamored to
leave the relationship. This is the beginning of personal and relationship
suicide.
When we get into a relationship, it takes a long time to get
to know what a person is “really like.” I find that it takes at least two years
to begin to really know someone. How they present themselves and what they say
about themselves, especially if you meet on-line, can be far from how they
really are. But, what we determine them to “really be like” is also tainted by
our own perceptions. So, off the bat, asking for and trusting responses to our
questions, as well as considering our own perceptions of “reality,” is an
imperfect science. With this said, I think it’s still better to know something,
or at least have a starting point to get some answers for questions that often
take months, if not years, to get clear on simply through the course of
everyday relating. Besides, if we are into growth and honesty, we can learn
just as much about ourselves from our own questions as from our partner!
Even by getting responses to pointed questions, we will
still have to wait to see how well our prospective partner matches up over time
to their own assertions. We will also have opportunity to self-check ourselves
for accurate perception of another. But at least we will have a starting point
to get closer to the truth, to see how closely a person knows himself and how
well we know our own selves. The questions themselves can inspire enlightening
discussions to discover what our prospective partner is “really like,” as well
as what we are really like.
Integrity
As I type, I recognize that my personal bias is revealing
itself here: wanting to discover the truth about another person and myself
presupposes that integrity is a foundation for a healthy and harmonious
relationship. I think that most of us interested in a serious relationship care
about integrity. It is certainly at the top of my list. So that you know what I
mean, I’ll am defining “integrity” as a catch-all term that includes core
qualities such as honesty, humility, compassion, empathy, good thinking,
responsibility, follow-through, keeping agreements, morality, and commitment.
To value integrity as a viable need and priority in
relationship, I want to be sure that I have integrity, that the core qualities
I seek in another I have myself. Part of integrity for me is that I can’t
really ask or expect that my partner be something that I am not. I can,
however, have specific needs that don’t have to be met by the other. For
example, if my partner does not like that I leave my clothes on the couch, this
does not necessarily mean that she should not put her clothes on the couch,
unless I genuinely mind her doing so for more than just “equality” reasons.
Clothes on the couch is a matter of preference and style, and she likely has
specific reasons for her wish which are personal to her, and which don’t apply
to her clothes on the couch, just mine. A brief, levelheaded discussion about
the matter will hopefully clarify the reasons for her wish and settle feelings
of inequality or wonderings about a double standard (ha, but not always!).
When it comes to general qualities of integrity such as
honesty, keeping our word, acting on our values, listening and considering one
another’s opinions, having a heartfelt purpose for one’s life, and keeping
agreements, I have found that if I want these things in another, it’s important
that I possess them myself. Sometimes, or unfortunately often, one person will
want qualities from another that they themselves don’t have. In fact, we are
often attracted to others that display qualities that we wish we had more
developed. An insistence on these qualities from another is often a projection
of what we lack and secretly wish we had.
Not recognizing when we project and displace our desires
onto another sows the seeds for resentment, attack, and conflict. Whereas, a
humble reckoning that we are attracted to what we lack takes responsibility for
our own shortcomings and leads to admiration and personal growth, instead of
attack and resentment. This is a great benefit of shadow work, by the
way—recognizing our own lack can create more intimacy as opposed to distance.
Recognizing our projections can lead to a three-fold win: 1) we stop projecting
and minimize conflict and 2) we get to return our focus to ourselves and grow
in ways that we want to and 3) we become more understanding, compassionate, and
less demanding towards our (potential) partner.
In Sum
For my Top-20 list I chose questions that are most important
to me. Some of them are deal-breakers, answers to which could preclude my
interest from getting serious. I composed many-part questions, as you will see,
and I am always adjusting this list as epiphanies occur to me. Ideally, the
questions are discussion-starters, a platform to get to know someone better
(including myself). If we are interested in a serious long-term relationship,
or the possibility of one, I think it’s important to ask the serious questions
and to think of all the deal-breakers we can, because if we discover them
later, even if we are getting along great, the deal-breakers bring heartbreak,
or compromise our own vision for our lives to a degree that we may not be able
to respect ourselves in the relationship, which wreaks havoc both personally
and interpersonally.
Of course, it’s up to us when, if, how, and to what degree
we want to present and discuss our list with another. If your partner doesn’t
want to discuss the list this can be a clue in itself as to your compatibility,
depending on the reason. So, this list is a questionnaire, discussion-starter,
as well as a self-inquiry shadow list to self-check that you possess what you
want or require in another, and may want to cultivate if you don’t. At the very
least, composing a list can help you get more clear on what your own values are
and what’s important to you in your own life. I hope it saves you some grief.
Top-20 List
1) Are you comfortable with anger?
What do you do when you get angry and how do you express it?
2) Do you have a bodily, felt-sense of your purpose for
being alive?
How do you express it and are you pursuing your vision?
3) What kind of emotional healing work have you done with
regard to childhood wounds?
What have you done and how have you come to terms with your
past?
What is your relationship with your parents and how has that
affected your life, and how have you dealt with that?
4) Are you complete with your previous romantic
relationships?
5) What is your method and approach for dealing with conflict?
6) What percentage of your need fulfillment do you usually
seek from a partner and what percentage do you anticipate you will look for me
to fill?
7) What is your interest in our relationship?
a) Do you want to casually date only, or do you want to be
in a committed relationship?
b) Are you wanting to be married, and if so, do you want
children?
8) Are you passionate about world events and dedicating some
of your time to the greater good—for example, being some kind of activist or
doing charity work?
9) Do you respect alone time and if so to what extent?
If not, to what extent will you need to be with me?
Will you be comfortable with my needing semi-privacy while
am writing and working?
10) What is your relationship with money?
Are you thrifty?
On what do you feel it is worth to spend lavishly?
Do you have significant debts you owe?
11) To what degree are you (honestly now!) honest with
yourself and able to be honest with others?
12) What top three qualities do others most appreciate about
you?
What top three qualities do others most criticize in you?
13) How do you have fun and what does “fun” mean to you?
14) What values do you hold dearest and how do you express
them in your daily life?
15) What are your strengths and how do you employ them in
your daily life.
16) What do you consider your shortcomings and what are you
doing about them?
17) Do you like being in nature and living a natural
lifestyle?
Are you attached to living in the city?
18) How much do you like to have sex, and why?
How do you feel about minimizing sex as a means of intimacy
and focusing instead on vulnerable emotional connection and sensuality for
affection?
19) What do you consider your greatest successes in life?
What do you consider your greatest failures?
20) How readily are you able to admit your shortcomings and
apologize when you fall short of being respectful?
Bonus question!
21) What is your view of compromise in a relationship?
What are you willing to compromise and what are you not
willing to?
