My experiment only lasted a week. Probably should have stayed with the site longer or responded to people who had reached out to me but just could not get into the whole situation. I realize this "is the way dating is done" now a days, but what happened to simply just meeting people?
One of my friends recently told me I was "too picky." I supposed I would give that comment more thought if it wasn't so ignorant. But have given this opinion more time than it deserves. It is comments like this that make me question the quality of my relationship with the person who said this.
I can't help but ponder how when I was young & just beginning to make my way thru life, it seemed that I was always running into people that could have been potential dating partners. Men seemed everywhere! Now, supposively more mature & yet still considered "young" (in my 50s) I find that the only men I know are married, gay or dead. Thus the conundrum of finding any potential dating partners, much less someone that one is actually attracted to.
Being outside looking in, so to speak, has given me a different perspective on the whole relationship outlook. I find that when I do see a couple in a marriage I find the dynamic that supposive keeps them together fascinating. Particularly those that have been together 20+ years. I actually know 2 couples that have been together 40 years that are my age. Thats a scary thought!
I was probably 50 yrs old before I realized that far too many couples I knew were just toughing it out. Living with someone more as roommates than an actively interacting couple. Never feeling passionate about their spouse. This I just can not conceive but apparently they know something I've not figured out! I realize that the passion doesn't last & settles into some comfortable state. But when you could care less....that wouldn't work for me.
I have two couples friends that seem to be (for all outward appearances) in better than average, well adjusted relationships. Thank God. For a long time, knew no one that was in a good marriage. For someone that considers one's primary relationship to be of utmost importance, there is nothing worse than being discouraged by all the dysfunctionality of bad relationships. However, to be fair, if for whatever reason in your life's travels, you are never exposed to quality relationships, how can you mimic the same?
Am reading a well-recommended book now on how we choose our potential partners. Apparently we all seek to fill any voids by our parents. Someone who makes us feel "whole". Then once the newness has passed & the reality that no one can fulfil anyone is realized, thats when the disillusions are apparent & the stresses begin. Just sounds more complicated than things used to be. And makes me wonder if being in a well adjusted relationship is an anomaly!!!
So....what next? Just maybe I need to accept that I may be alone the remainder of my life. This thought makes me quite sad but there are many an interesting person that remained alone for years & years. Life without a special friend seems to be shades of gray. Nothing exciting or dull necessarily. Just (un)comfortably numb.
I have cherished being solo in a conflicting way these last couple of years. I find that adjusting to this situation after being very happy in a marriage to be quite difficult. Is it better to have loved & lost than to never have loved at all? One could play mental exercises with that thought for hours...
And kinda interesting to compare what one seeks from a dating partner when younger as opposed to when one is mature. Younger: what does this person do, is the sex good, will this lead to marriage, should we have kids together....questions one asks IF they aren't just into having a good time. Now: are they an adult or looking for a nurse/purse, can I drop my emotional baggage & be emotionally available & can they?
On the positive side, have gotten to reknow myself & be my best friend. Have made some repairs to the psyche & continue to push on thru some seemingly mucky waters. Goals have been met. New starts, new life proceeding as advertised. Yet life is somehow just not quite satisfying.
I do know that the busier one is, the less time one has for pondering any thoughts-good or bad. So is the key keeping oneself on the edge of too busy? Or is that just a way to avoid confronting those deep, dark thoughts that one doesn't share with anyone, much less oneself? Hmmmm.....
OR another way is to involve oneself with situations that make one's own circumstances seemed fantastic by comparison. I immediately think of those with dire physical challenges or circumstances. But I've always hated it when someone would say to me, "...well things could always be worse." What the hell is that supposed to mean? Is that supposed to make me feel better?! Well we're gonna have to cut off one of your legs but hey, it could have been worse! At least you still have one leg! Really?
I remember when I was diagnosed with cancer & some ignorant Navy Captain & doctor said something similar to me. A few years later he too had cancer & I've often wondered if anyone said that to him.
But I digress....In sum, I can not help but to ponder this yet other challenging aspect of aging. Fewer men about, even fewer guys one would want to hang with, laziness on my part to mold myself into a potential dating partner, the dynamics of a marriage or any long term emotional partnership, the change of emphasis in what one is seeking in a close relationship.
Is it better to be in a situation that isn't emotionally rewarding or to be alone? I guess that question is what every person that signed up for a dating site has pondered. Would be interesting to see what some long-term dating site participants' experiences were/are. But for me, just can't get into this scene.
