I ran into an article this morn about gratitude (see below) written by an individual that recently lost a dear friend in an accident. Guess this article resonated with me, as I too have been struggling with the gradual loss of one of my dearest & closest friends over the last couple of years.
This friend did not die, but took a path in life that has gradually prevented us from spending time together. What does that mean? Well to use an analogy, friendship is a lot like trying to raise a plant. You have to nurture, water, feed & give time to a plant or the plant will eventually wither & die. Despite good intentions, this friend has spent ever lessening time with our friendship & the plant is withering & will most likely die.
So what does one do when someone important to them has other priorities? I can only think of a quote from Maya Angelou "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” This quote has helped me to reconcile myself to this situation, however painful the thought may be.
My first reaction was to be frustrated & angry that a relationship I thought so much of was seemingly not equally valued by my friend. My second reaction is to try to understand the whys, which is the so called 'high road' but hard to maintain. I would like to think I can let this friend go, sending warm thoughts of love with this understanding. But this has been very difficult for me.
Learning to let go should be learned before learning to get. Life should be touched, not strangled. You've got to relax, let it happen at times, and at others move forward with it.~Ray Bradbury
In the end, the decision is out of my control of course. Have noticed I've gone thru the five stages of normal grief that were first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying.” These stages are: 1)Denial and Isolation; 2)Anger; 3)Bargaining; 4)Depression; & 5)Acceptance. Problem is I don't WANT to accept this! But I don't want to remain depressed either.
In all fairness, I do bear the lion's share of responsibility for the demise of this relationship. I set, shall we say, the wheels in motion for this change. Aren't there always two sides to every story? I should channel negative thoughts to gratitude, instead of playing an endless loop of ruminating the how & whys of this situation.
I AM grateful for this relationship. I have learned so very much from this relationship & am who I am today because of this person. But I am not ready to release this relationship. Yet I must....& so it goes, the endless loop of why, why not, desire, despair, desire, so many monsters (to quote lyrics from Annie Lennox)......Why is it sooo easy to see other's situations & solutions but not our own!!
I read that writing down 5 things one is grateful for at the end of each day will shift the emphasis from what is missing in one's life to what is right in front of one. This seems to be a very powerful tool. I think I will start trying this technique when I do my journal entries.
So often I am guilty of NOT appreciating what I DO have in my life instead of dwelling on what is "missing". So my new goal-starting today-is to whenever I catch myself starting down that path of what is NOT going the way I think it should, instead consciously shift my thoughts to the specifics of what IS going well, toward the attitude of gratitude. And to give myself the pep talk I would give to any valued friend.
I should not lose sight that my life IS EXACTLY what I make of it!! We all can not control much in our lives. Yet we do have the ability to create & direct many aspects of our life into any direction we choose. As Joseph Campbell said, “You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.”
I have a dear friend that took control of her life circumstances & redirected them toward living a more authentic life. What an inspiration! She is wildly happy instead of waking up each day, sour on circumstances. Hopefully I can redirect my thoughts & life, keeping her in mind as an example of the possibilities.
Possibilities! Now there is a powerful word! Just thinking of the variety of possibilities one has-just waiting to be considered & explored! Immediately shifts my thoughts from resignation to hope. Now there is a powerful motivation! I am immediately more positive, just thinking of 'possibilities'!
Thank you Great Mystery for this ray of gratitude! Just think of all the possibilities!
Happy Thanksgiving to all!
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As I write this, I am coming to terms with the death of a good friend of mine who was killed in a tragic accident over the weekend. The last 48 hours have been very difficult. My emotions have been on a roller coaster. However, I realize that even in death we have the opportunity to celebrate the beauty of life. Most of us are getting ready for the great holiday that we call Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is always one of my favorite times of the year. I love sitting around the table with family, eating some of my favorite dishes and expressing gratitude for the many blessings in my life. Thanksgiving is not just a once-a-year event. Thanksgiving is a lifestyle that you can cultivate every single day of your life. Gratitude has been the key to every success and every victory in my life. Here are a few secrets about the power of gratitude.
1. Gratitude is the greatest driver of success in your life. I have coached leaders and business professionals and empowered them to achieve great success. However, the first lesson I teach any client is a lesson in gratitude. While some give me a bewildered look, I assure them that this is the key to unlocking a life of success and prosperity. In fact, for almost 20 years I have written down three to five things that I am grateful for every single night. This exercise in gratitude yielded remarkable results. Not only did I find myself more grateful but I found myself reaching greater goals and rising to my greatest potential. Your life will never be the same when you make this practice part of your life.
2. Gratitude is the greatest way to silence the ego. One of the greatest things I learned about gratitude is that it empowers you to get out of our own way. So many times we are being directed by our own desires. We live in a world where everyone is so consumed with me, myself and I. This is not to throw off on any one because I have done the same thing. However, as I really embraced gratitude as a practice in my life it forced me to deal with selfishness. I learned that it is not always about what I want. Gratitude teaches you that things will not always go your way. Gratitude assures you no matter what you go through in your life that something good will come out of it. I found myself losing the "me" perspective and gaining a "we" perspective. Gratitude opens the heart and unleashes the true power of love. Gratitude silences your ego and destroys the seed of selfishness.
3. Gratitude helps you appreciate every moment of your life. As I stated earlier, I just lost a friend in a tragic accident. While loss triggers a number of different responses, no matter how much it hurts gratitude flows from my heart. I am grateful for the opportunity to have known such a great human being. The thing I love about gratitude is that it changes your perspective about life. I am able to be thankful for the beautiful trees. I find myself being thankful for silence. Even more amazing is that I find myself appreciating adversity. I find myself thankful for every trial and every tragedy. I realize that when you can be thankful for every moment of your life you enjoy the beauty of life and you experience life at a different level. We shift from being unconscious, unloving and ungrateful human beings to conscious, compassionate and grateful human beings. Gratitude changes us for the better.
4. Gratitude produces a more meaningful life. We are all on a quest to become the greatest expression of ourselves. No other force empowers us to become our greater selves like gratitude. The more grateful I am the more authentic I become. As human beings the thing we all crave is contentment. We live in a culture that encourages covetousness; however, when you live a heart-centered life your goal is contentment. When you become advanced in the practice of gratitude you will contend against allowing anything to compromise your contentment. Contentment is living at such a place that nothing has the power to move you. When you are content you are not disturbed by the detours of life. Contentment produces peace. Contentment is assurance that everything in your life is working together for your good. Contentment is living in the flow of life.
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