Relationships:
The Costs of Staying When We Should Leave
11th August 2014
By Jack Adam Weber L.Ac., Dipl. C.H.
Contributing Writer for Wake Up World
To stay in a relationship that doesn’t work, with someone whose
integrity is significantly lacking, creates a downward spiral. It is hurtful to
every aspect of our health, and is bad for the planet. What
follows below is not a black and white account, so consider it to the
degree that it feels true.
In our gut I think we
know if a relationship doesn’t work, especially if we got into it (as we often
do) for the sex, comfort, apathy, or our own loneliness. Yet, too often the
fear, sadness, anger, and other difficult emotions we might have to face
prevent us from leaving. Yet these are the same emotional places we denied to
begin with, which, if we had faced and worked with them, could have prevented
us from being frivolous with our precious hearts.
The inevitable result of fearing feeling our
emotional pain is that we lie to ourselves — at the beginning, during, and at
the end of a relationship. We have to ignore our guts, our bodies, its depths.
We shut down a big part of our hearts to stay in denial. We sacrifice our own
integrity to stay.
We become more of a
taker than a giver because we have not found a way to be fulfilled by our own
creative expression, because we have blocked this channel through the perpetual
distraction of uncontrollable emotional codependency and acting out of old
patterns.
As a result, our lives
become superficial and anxiety-ridden. We cut ourselves off from the
life-source of our bellies, from the creativity there, from our truth, from
true security — all of which, in their fuller blossoming, lie at the
transformed other end of our difficult emotions.
When we lie to
ourselves, we become cold to other people, and uncaring, because we are being
uncaring to ourselves. We become irritable and angry and selfish… because in
our truth of truths we know we are not leaving what does not work, and we think
we cannot. We cut ourselves off from the essence of life, which is to pursue a
life that is honest, clear, and which calls to us from the very place we shut
down in our fear. To lose track of one’s calling in life is to suffer
greatly. Even if one cannot live it out, to honestly hear and to know that
calling, is nourishing and comforting.
To get to this honesty
is hard work. That’s why we deny it. But the joy of freedom, to be able to sit
with oneself, quietly, and feel a deep “yes” is irreplaceable.
When we ignore our
deep truth, we become addicts and act like addicts, unable to save ourselves
from what doesn’t work. If this persists long enough, we develop other
addictions and soon may altogether lose our compass in life. When we lose our
compass we produce trash, on many levels. The saying goes…
“A
true act leaves no wake.”
This is only one
example demonstrating the downward cycle that results, ironically, from not
facing our own pain and allowing ourselves to be transformed by it. This is the
death that renews us. In denying this symbolic death, we make of our lives a
living death, even if we are shiny on the outside. Yet we know inside if we are
living a lie. We may be the only ones who know. And, that is enough. We are
also the only ones who need to know if we are living truthfully. What everyone
else sees and cares about means nothing, if we are lying. If they appreciate
us, we can’t let in deeply because we are living a lie.
When we ignore the
dark, our lives become haunted. Our light is fear-ridden, fickle, and flimsy.
Our love becomes make-believe.
The way back is to
follow our guts, what we know to be right, and endure all the difficult
emotions that prevented us from doing what is right, from living honestly and
wisely. Sometimes it takes years of denial and suffering until finally we are
ready. It is never too late, though it becomes harder the more fake lives and
substitute pleasures we heap on top of our initial denials.
There is no pleasure
greater than living a deeply honest life, of following our truest callings.
This is inner richness. It is worth more than all the superficial riches we
acquired by lying, because we cannot enjoy those riches when our hearts are
closed and shame-ridden, and our guts clogged with fear of facing the quiet truth
inside.
To create a rich life,
we must keep our hearts and our bellies clear, which means to live honestly and
fiercely courageously, which includes being willing to deal with the most
difficult feelings and journeys.
So, if this speaks
enough to you, maybe today is the day you will begin to let go of what doesn’t
work. Maybe today is the beginning of a new life, with yourself first — of
letting the floodgates of freedom open again, and enduring all the muddy water
until it runs clear again, which it will, because this is the gift of a true
heart, from which emerge your gifts to the world, as the universe and all its
supporting graces becomes yours again.
As a river has a
natural course, so do our callings, our soul’s path. But this does not mean
that we don’t have to do lots of paddling. It means we have to do more, which
beats sinking and pretending to be afloat, anyway.
Once the water runs
clear, we are more careful and ever-cautious not to pollute our lives by
getting into and staying in situations that we know are wrong for us. We are
more interested in using that energy to be effective in the world.
The more honest we
become, the clearer and more caring our lives and actions become. And this
allows us to be more aware of what is right for us, which in turn keeps us, and
our relations, healthier. This is the upward spiral, rooted in honest
connection with our depths, our deepest callings, the ground of life.
Caveat
To be fair, we are all
complicated. We should not expect relationships to be any different. If we do,
then this is likely our “grass is always greener” projection. Many times we
don’t know whether to stay or to go, or hang in there. In these dubious situations,
if we want to grow and actually change, it can be worthwhile to stick it out in
relationship and work on ourselves with rock bottom honesty, even if our
partner doesn’t. Or if we do leave, we should still work on our stuff alone.
This is the honesty that can save our lives.
Most relationships can
be worked out, when both parties do the inner work. And this is the most
valuable work, meaning that we should not quit a relationship just because it
is tough and troublesome. But, this is not the scenario I have described above,
which is to deny our deep true selves, which usually is riddled with lots of
passive-aggressive sex and an impotency to follow what we know is right.
